I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.