“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Livid.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
This is amazing.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?