I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer