A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.