Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Wait for it
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Do not levitate over flowers
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.