“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
You Might Also Like
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Just had my nails done!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait