My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
This is a true ally.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”