interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
You Might Also Like
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”