When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Well, shit
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go