The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
*me flirting
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*hires sky writer*
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