I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’