This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’