My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
23. the denim jacket
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.