me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
technically true but not a great slogan
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.