Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”