[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
You Might Also Like
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Bring back the McRib
Blew my mind.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.