i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder