Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Okey dokey.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
A huge thanks to the person that did this
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..