Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You Might Also Like
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee