Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I cannot stop laughing at this
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
⚠️ Important Reminder: