Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u