🦝🔥🦝🔥
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
This is me 🤣🤣
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist