A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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the greatest twitter interaction
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Spell check is for lasers.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs