Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
You Might Also Like
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move