Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
These aren’t even hard anymore.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…