Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it