Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Omg 🤣
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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how many bears make up a bear minimum
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid