The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
U talkin 2 me?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.