Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
the official breakfast of 2021
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.