My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
#Caturday
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’