My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
A new level of troll.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
live long and prosper!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.