Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
You Might Also Like
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Who’s your best friend?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.