*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.