Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick