Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
#Caturday
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”