When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Not today. 😅
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”