After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
You are not alone 💚
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
That’s what I call a flat tire
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
🤣could you imagine