But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
#Caturday
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.