As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Who.
Did.
This?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”