The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Dishonest mechanic?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.