The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.