Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Thinking about Jeff
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀