80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it