Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?