[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?