My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?