When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Wireless bra? What’s the password?