My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”