Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you