If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sniffing the broccoli
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.